Harry Potter and the Catchy Subtitle
by IveGotNoIdea
Summary: What would happen if Harry Potter was raised by a pack of Evil Chinchillas? How the story would change if Hermione Granger was a boy? Will I ever learn how to write good summaries? Answers to this questions may or might not be found inside this collection of short stories. WARNING. The stories are only for people with strong nerves as they contain... bad grammar and spelling.
1. Second Chance

**Author notes**

**I do not own Harry Potter.**

**()()()**

The day before going to DoM Harry has overheard his 'friends' and McGonnagal discussing his 'visions'. He had learned that Dumbledore was planning his demise and due to Snape spying he knew that Voldemort will send Harry false vision of Sirius being tortured to lure him into DoM. They wanted Sirius to join the rescue team and die during the fight, this would allow Harry to inherit the Black estate. In his next year Harry would die fighting Voldemort, fulfilling some sort of prophecy and passing the whole wealth to Dumbledore, Longbottoms and Wesleys. Hermione would get the Potter and Black libraries.

Next day during DoM fight Harry didn't bother stunning people, the result was eleven Death Eaters dead, some minor injuries among his 'friends' and a chance to hear The Prophecy. After the fight ended he was brought to the Dumbledore's office along with all the conspirators.

**()()()**

"Harry, you have killed eleven people, don't you feel any guilt?" This couldn't continue. Thought Dumbledore. If Harry fights like that he will kill to many Tom's followers. So many purebloods will die and without them Wizarding World might be overrun by muggleborns and destroyed by those silly ideas like equality or tek-no-logi.

"I have put eleven rabid animals down, that's the difference." Harry was angry. Dumbledore tried some Leglimency but didn't get anything, possibly due to all the anger and emotions.

"They were people, they made mistakes. You should capture them and let them atone for those mistakes in prison." Secondary argument of Dumbledore.

"Voldemort would bust them out of prison in a week, that is assuming they would even get there. Malfoy bought his freedom once, he could do it again." This time Harry was almost shouting while saying it.

"This doesn't mean you can kill them. Everyone deserves a second chance, even them." Primary argument of Dumbledore, Harry was a bit surprised that Dumbledore has reversed their order, usually it went 'they deserve a second chance' and later 'they can atone and change'.

"Everyone proffer?" Answer to this question will decide how Harry will leave this place. Dumbledore still didn't notice where this was going.

"Yes, everyone my boy." _YES YES YES!_ Harry was shouting in his mind, they took bait, hook, line and sinker. That idiot Dumbledore didn't know that his insistence on giving people second chances will be his downfall.

"You are right professor."

"Even murde..." Dumbledore stopped, he didn't expect Harry to agree and was already going through his prepare speech. "I'm happy you understand that, my boy."

"I decided I don't want to be like them. I cannot change the past and help people who died by my hand but definitely I can change the future." Things were going quite well, Harry renounced killing. Dumbledore didn't suspect that killing some Death Eater would cause so much guilt in the boy.

"Thus I decided I won't be fighting Voldemort again."

People gathered in Dumbledore's office were speechless. Boy-Who-Lived, The Chosen One, Wizarding Savior etc. decided to stop fighting against You-Know-Who? After a moment of silence everyone started shouting at him, Dumbledore decided to wait and avoid general shouting.

"Harry, but you are the Chosen one, how can you stop fighting against Him?" Dumbledore hoped Harry was joking and Hermione's words would end this cruel joke.

"Potter, I always knew that! You are a coward, without me and Granger you would be nothing!" Weasley like always didn't help. Dumbledore often wondered if Weasleys didn't somehow found a way to affect the Sorting Hat, there was no other way to explain how they ended up in Gryffindor.

"Potter, just like your father, some problems and you are immediately running away. I could have expected that." Severus... Dumbledore wasn't even surprised here, Severus had magnificent ability to ignore everything that didn't fit into his small world, like James Potter trying to stop Voldemort without his wand to give his wife time to escape.

"Mister Potter, how can you say that, You-Know-Who killed your parents, how can you allow him to get away with that?" Ah, Minevra's guilt trip, she has beaten him to it.

"Harry... I never suspected, son of Prongs, a coward? I.." Lupin only shake his head. Another guilt trip, Dumbledore himself couldn't do this better than that.

"Harry, how can you do such thing? You will leave us on that monster's mercy?" This time guilt trip done by Ginevra, Dumbledore knew very well that Weasleys are pureblood supremacists as much as Malfoys. They just lacked money to be considered a 'proper' family and due to that they were banned from pureblood social circles. Thus their decision to join 'light side' which wasn't that much different from the 'dark' side. They did not like killing muggleborns (someone had to do all those petty jobs that no pureblood would take) or slaughtering muggles (they are such silly creatures, did you know that they believe that one of them went to the Moon?).

"Harry, how can you say such things! You are a disgrace as a Gryffindor." Neville joined the discussion with a typical Gryffindor bravado. Good thing that Dumbledore removed all good history books about the Founders (and pretty much about anything else other than goblin rebellions) and maintained idea of Gryffindors being noble heroes going into action without any kind of plan. This was completely false when it came to Godric, he was a master tactician and strategist that employed underhand moves more often than not. Dumbledore found out that it was because some Chinese book written by Son Zu, or something like that (that book, like any other written by muggles, was banned in the wizarding world, a law made by Dumbledore of course).

Harry raised his hands to silence everyone and give him chance to speak.

"Listen, I know you think I'm coward and that I'm abandoning you." Harry tried to calmly explain.

"What? You aren't?" Ronald cut in only to be silenced by Hermione.

"It's just I agree with Headmaster that Voldemort like everyone else deserves a second chance. Due to the Prophecy if I fight him I might kill him and prevent him from having a chance to redeem himself." Dumbledore didn't expect that, Harry made everyone speechless twice in last five minutes. Now, there is still chance to salvage this situation, he needs to work fast before his own ploy is turned against him.

"Harry, my boy, I understand your reluctance, but you have to think about other people, Voldemort will kill hundreds if not thousands people if left not opposed." Guilt trip number nine.

"Professor, you said it yourself EVERYONE deserves a second chance. Besides I only said that I won't fight him, I won't stop you from opposing Voldemort." Dumbledore looked at his minions, they were agreeing with Harry! He trained his followers so good that when they hear 'he deserves a second chance' they immediately agree. Even Weasley would now notice if he changed his crown argument about redemption and second chances, so it was time for plan B – The Prophecy.

"I understand that, but you know about Prophecy, you are the only one that can stop him."

"I'm sure professor that Voldemort will see the error of his way after slaughtering countless innocent people." Dumbledore couldn't counter that as he was planning to use exactly same argument at some point regarding the Death Eaters Harry killed.

"Harry, what about your parents? Will you allow their deaths to go unpunished?" Dumbledore tried yet another approach.

"Seeking a revenge is a bit dark and I don't want to become a dark wizard like Voldemort. I'm also quite sure that with your help professor The Ministry will be able to capture Voldemort and give him a fair trail where he will be punished for my parents deaths." And another attempt shot down, everyone knew that revenge was 'dark', so Dumbledore being Leader of The Light convincing Harry Potter to seek it would not work.

"What about your friends Harry? Many of them will be in danger during incoming moths."

"They can stay at Hogwarts for the summer, it's the safest place in Britain." And now this was going to bite Dumbledore in the ass. At some point Hogwarts had been the safest place in Britain. Last time wards were upgraded about 70 years after introduction of the Statue of Secrecy. It was enough time for all muggles knowing about this place to die from an old age. Without threat from the muggles the Board and Ministry didn't wish to spend money on ward upgrades. Last century saw even cuts in the maintenance to the point where a dozen average Death Eaters would overload wards without much problems. Now Hogwart relied on it's reputation of 'best warded place in Britain' which served as well as a replacement for wards for the past two centuries.

The problem was Dumbledore had little to no arguments against that, but...

"What about their families?"

"Everyone can notify their families about problems in our world thus allowing them to move, without magical children around those families will be just another muggles, I doubt that Death Eaters know how to find someone using muggle means, they have never found me by simply using phone book." Unfortunate truth, only reason Harry wasn't attacked by Death Eaters for all those years was that while they did learn his address at some point, they didn't know how to use muggle maps to find him. Fortunately no one ever came up with an idea to send him a letter and follow the owl...

"What about muggles? Voldemort will target them."

"It's ministry's duty to deal with that, I'm neither an Auror nor a Hit Wizard. And if Voldemort will kill to many muggles then their military will step in and deal with the threat." Muggles getting involved in wizards matters won't be good, their military was numerous and had very destructive weapons like cannons or rifles. Dumbledore even heard that muggles were creating cannon that could shoot as much bullets as hundred rifleman, fortunately such thing was supposed to be very large and expensive so the muggle military couldn't have too many of them.

Before Dumbledore could answer Harry continued.

"Listen, I know you want me to kill Voldemort, but after what professor said about killing I don't think I can do that. By killing him I would lover myself to his level and I don't want to be same type of person as Voldemort." Dumbledore was defeated, if he pushed Harry and said it's OK to kill Voldemort Harry would want to kill his followers as well. Saying 'no' to that would end in argument 'how many murders are required for a person to loose their second chance' and Dumbledore knew it won't end well for him. Maybe it was better to forfeit this battle and return to it in September? Yes, he could use Severus to orchestrate death of Hermione Granger to give Harry reasons for a revenge. Dumbledore didn't like the idea of giving away Potter and Black library but that stupid girl wasn't interested in money. Thus Dumbledore simply sat and watched as Harry left the office.

As soon as Harry was far enough to not be heard he grabbed small bracelet, quietly said "Activate" and disappeared from Hogwarts.

Harry appeared on small muggle yacht somewhere on the ocean. It was quite easy to evade all Portkey detectors, they only show if traffic had occurred not it's destination so if someone portkeyed to target outside detection range, say middle of theAtlantic ocean, no one would be any wiser. Even if the Ministry or Dumbledore had any means to locate the Portkey target it still wouldn't help them as the yacht on which Harry has landed was under the Fidelius Charm.

Back at Hogwarts Dumbledore felt someone leaving the castle by a Portkey. For a moment he panicked that it could be Harry but he reminded himself that the boy neither is not capable of creating portkeys nor he has anyone to help him so it was probably someone from Slytherin who has learned about death of their parent and wanted to go home to mourn.

"How did it go pup?" Asked very alive and very happy Sirius Black.

"Dumbledore gave me his 'second chance' speech, I gave him mine."

"You told them that Voldemort deserves a second chance?" Sirius almost didn't believe him. Almost, this was Harry Potter after all.

"Yup, they didn't notice but after hearing that they stayed speechless for over four minutes, yes I did count time."

"So what do we do now?"

"I always wanted to travel around the world." Said Harry.

"Fine by me."

"By the way, thanks for that anti-leglimency potion. Dumbledore tried something but apparently his attempt has failed."

"Harry, without it we would never be able to do half of the stuff we did. And did I mention how proud I am of you?"

"Why? Because I managed to get away?"

"No, because you managed to prank Dumbledore, Voldemort and the Ministry." Sirius said grinning.

**()()()**

With Harry Potter gone from Hogwarts a mass exodus of muggleborns and half-bloods ocured. Before start of the next school year more than half of the Magical Britain population has left, Voldemort simply walked into the Ministry and declared himself a Supreme Ruler. He tried attacking the muggle world but when RAF bombed several mansions of some prominent Death Eaters Voldemort decided that annoying muggles might not be his best idea. His plans to invade the mainland Europe failed spectacularly when he noticed that due to his pureblood only policy his forces were outnumbered more than five to one. After a single battle Voldemort lost most of his army and went back to Britain to lick his wounds. He was destroyed ten years later by a new Dark Lady.

Dumbledore died while defending Hogwarts, he was ressurected several months later in his secret lair. He tried to rebuild his power under a new name but his attempt was unsuccessful. His greatest achievement was becoming the Minister of Magic in France, he was kicked out after his first term due to some unpopular reforms he tried to pass. He lasted five years longer than Voldemort but a new Dark Lady got him too.

Ginny, Ron and Neville died during the siege of Hogwarts.

Hermione Granger completed her education in Australia, she then started research and developed an improved version of horcruxes. The improvement had left the user sane after creating one. With the new knowledge Hermione took over the magical world, it was very easy for someone with common sense and... guns. She killed both Voldemort and Dumbledore but after twenty years of ruling she got bored and faked her own death.

Harry traveled the world for several years. When he got bored he settled down in Australia where he met Hermione. It was a shock for him to learn that Hermione was planning to betray Dumbledore from the moment he forced her to work with him, she couldn't tell Harry that because Dumbledore or Snape could read his thoughts. This was the reason she was so bitchy about Harry learning Occlumency from Snape. She was a bit 'annoyed' when Harry told her about a potion developed by his mother. The new crater on the Moon had nothing to do with that... They married couple years later and had three kids. The youngest one wanted to be a hero so they faked a grand battle between Dark Lady Granger and young Heroine Lily Notgranger. Wizards never noticed the similarity in both names and appearances.

Lily Notgranger lasted an entire decade before becoming another Dark Lady, this has won her parents a right to say 'I told you so' for another century.


	2. Parceltongue

**Author notes**

**I do not own Harry Potter**

**You would be surprised how many times I saw the '_parcel_tongue', yes the language of 'parcels'. **

**()()()**

Lord Voldemort stood in front of a muggle house, the cattle inhabiting that place would soon feel the wrath of a parceltongue Dark Lord!

Inside a house a female was looking through the window to see a man wearing a dress and a dozen man sized packages lying around him.

"Honey, it's the door to door salesman again. Tell him we don't need another vacuum cleaner or a refrigerator."

"Of course honey." Answered a middle aged man.

The man went in front of his house to see the dress wearing guy in front of him.

"Geez, I thought that those cheap suits were bad, but this guy? He gives me creeps." He said silently. "Listen whoever you are, we do not need a new vacuum cleaner nor a fridge. You can leave now." He shouted at the Dark Lord.

"What about a new TV set, with a Dolby Surround?"

"No thanks, we prefer cinema."

"Maybe... wait, I did not come here to sell you muggle electronics! I've come here to kill you!" Said Voldemort.

"Oh... I was afraid your are one of those door to door salesmen." Said the man with relief.

"No, I am a powerful Dark Lord Voldemort."

"Of course you are." The sarcasm was unnoticed by Voldemort.

"I command arcane power beyond your mere comprehension!"

"Yup, you totally do."

"You shall cower in fear by a mere mentioning of my name!"

"Oh dear, I am so afraid. What was your name again?"

"It's Voldemort you filthy muggle."

"Totally afraid."

"Wait... you are not afraid of me! You are merely pretending to fear!"

"Busted honey." Said the female who was standing in a doorway listening to the conversation.

"He is a smart one, Pam."

"Indeed he is." Pamela agreed with her husband.

"Now, cover in fear as I will unleash the power of my superior ability - the parceltongue! Buahahaha!" Voldemort started making some weird noises that were quite similar to a noise made by a marker when used on a cardboard. As soon as he finished the parcels started moving around and surrounded the two people. Two parcels had opened and Pam with her husband were forced inside them.

"Is that a bubble wrap?" A male's voice was heard from inside one of the parcels.

"Yes, I believe it is." Pam agreed, as soon as she did a distinctive pooping sound was heard from her parcel. The same sound was also heard from the other package.

"Now my minions, address the parcels and ship them to Australia! Living in a penal colony should teach you about messing with the powerful Lord Voldemort! Buahahaha!" Voldemort continued his villainous monologue without interruptions, he did not notice that his captives were more interesting in playing with the bubble wrap than listening to him.

As soon as he finished the two packages were delivered to a local post office where both captives were freed by a powerful artifact known as the knife.

Next day the Daily Prophet had a following head title.

PARCELTONGUE DARK LORD STRIKES AGAIN! TWO MUGGLES SENT TO AUSTRALIA TO WORN IN SALT MINES

The muggles in question were never informed that they were working in a salt mine in Australia, most wizards didn't even know what Australia was so no one ever bothered them.


	3. The sorting

**Author notes**

**As usual, I do not own Harry Potter. Nothing changed there.**

**()()()**

"It is my turn to do the sorting."

"Please Godric, one more year and I will complete my project."

"No. I have waited long enough to start fixing what the three of you have destroyed."

"Technically it is Salazar's turn."

"Shut up Helga."

"I have to agree with Rovena."

"Really? You will allow me to continue with my project?"

"No, I agree that Helga indeed has to shut up."

"But Goddi, Salazar has been so lonely. Give him a chance."

"Oh sure, the last time I agreed to let that crazy bastard sort someone that guy Somebus ended in my house.

"His name is Albus."

"Whatever. That All-bus didn't have a single ounce of bravery, only tons of subterfuge and lies but thanks to our great 'friend' Salazar everyone believed that this Allbus is honest and brave only because he is a Gryffindor. If he ended up in Slytherin where was his place people would keep their distance from him and always check his motives but noooo, great Salazar had to agree that truly cunning people do not go to Slytherin. While I agree with that statement, I do not agree with placing this Allbus in Gryffindor! A Huflepuff Allbus wouldn't cause so much chaos and destruction while still maintaining a low profile."

"But Goddi, Sal is truly cunning. You just do not see that."

"Are we talking about the same Salazar Helga? The guy who believed that his hissing is actually an unique language of snakes? He even gave it a name... parceltongue... Yes, it's parcel not parsel. I haven't seen such butchery done to Latin since that guy with speech disorder became a spellcrafter. The Salazar who the decided that he is a new Dark Lord Lavatorus and turned Hogwarts septic tank into his secret hideout? The Salazar who then invited a BLIND basilisk to live with him in that hideout? Just look at him."

"I am a swirling whirlpool of destruction! Nations bow to me as I am the Great Dark Lord Lavatorus muhahaha!"

"Rovena wanted that idiot because four founders sounded better than three, what's your excuse Helga?"

"Well... You and Salazar looked so cute together... I hoped you know."

"You and your yuri."

"It's yaoi Goddi."

"Bah, irrelevant. I want my turn at the sorting."

"But my Arithmancy."

"And my pairings, I've heard that Harry and Draco will be attending this year. They would make such a beautiful pair..."

"Argh! That's why I will not allow you to sort anyone this year! Your love for this yashit thing has ruined enough lives."

"It did not!"

"Didn't it? And who sorted the prick, the coward and the traitor with Sirius Black? Hmm? Who was it Helga? Who the decided that the second most loyal guy in that year is to be dumped with Slytherins only because you didn't want a fivesome? Is that even a word?"

"But they looked so cute together..."

"Cute? You stupid woman, did you know how many lives have you ruined because of that? The prick, coward and traitor were supposed to go to Slytherin while Snape was to be sorted into Gryffindor!"

"I do not see how much it affected the final outcome. Voldemart was defeated, wasn't he?."

"Oh sure, half of the magical population in Isles died before that happened. And he didn't DIE, he merely disappeared. When he returns and kills half of our population AGAIN... Rovena, what will happen? Hmmm? Please, enlighten us with your Arithmancy."

"Uhm..."

"We are waiting Rovena."

"Well... if Voldemort kills half of our population again we will drop below the minimum viable population level. After the last war we are oscillating on the edge, if the steady influx of muggleborns will be continued the population will recover, if another war kills half of our population? You don't want to know."

"See Helga? If you didn't sort them like that we could have avoided that. Sure, the war would continue but amount of dead people would be reduced TEN TIMES and Voldemort would be permanently dead, no need to fear yet another war ten or twenty years into the future."

"But... how sorting them like this could change the outcome so much?"

"Let's see... Potter ending up in Slytherin would show people that offspring from a Light family doesn't have to be 'light' himself. With his bullying tendencies Potter would fit in quite well. He would still get the traitor and the coward to form a team of bullies but Somebus would not protect them this time. The Potter family would change their camp from Light to Dark within a year, they would still oppose Voldemort showing that Dark doesn't equal Voldemort supporter. Black, Snape and Evans would show people that the parentage doesn't matter. All it matters is education. With Black's tutoring Evans would be able to pass as a pureblood proving everyone that it's not muggleborns fault that they are ignorant about the magical culture. With that the Black family would slowly change their views and switch to anti-Voldemort team during Evans fifth year. In that year she would discover Voldemort's true origin and claim that the whole war was orchestrated by Voldemort and Dumbledore to decimate purebloods. Completely false but all the evidence fit so people would believe her. With most of his support gone Voldemort would be marginalized. To do the same to Dumbledore Dark families would push for an education reform, created by guess who? Yes, EVANS. Rather than waste her time on refusing Potter advances every week she would go into politics. The reform proposed by her would allow muggleborns who do not want to live in the magical world to get education during summer camps. They would get the basics required to control their magic and keep it a secret. Everyone who would want to live in the Magical World could attend Hogwarts like usual. This way Dumbledore wouldn't be able to recruit those muggleborns for his cause, whatever it was. The war would last five years longer but the death toll would be reduced to one tenth."

"Well... if you say it that way..."

"But Godric, my Arithmancy..."

"Rovena... this whole mess was caused BY YOUR DAMN ARITHMANCY!"

"What? What did I do?"

"Oh... nothing much, you just sorted a potential Dark Lord into a house where he was bullied because he was 'worse'. That caused him to embark on a quest to gain power to protect himself. The result? Just look at the amount of children that is to be sorted..."

"But how was I supposed to know that?"

"I don't know, maybe you should do your damn job and use Leglimency on them rather than just dump everyone left and right because some equation said so?"

"But it's so tiring to do that..."

"Then you won't mind if I sort everyone."

"Wait, how did sorting Albus into Gryffindor and Riddle into Slytherin caused so much trouble?"

"Riddle in Ravenclaw would become Lord Slytherin and take over magical economy using muggle advances disguised as magic, say a ball point pen becoming a quill from a recently discovered and very rare bird from Australia."

"And magicals would buy that?"

"They bought Lockhart books and that guy was an idiot."

"And Albus?"

"Slytherin, Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff Allbus would still defeat Grindevald but no one would make him Chief Warlock or Supreme Mugwump, he would end up as 'only' Hogwarts Headmaster. Without Dumbledore people would start protecting themselves rather than wait for Dumbledore to do that. A coalition of Light and Neutral families would hire some muggles as vassals and have them defend their homes and businesses. Voldemort's forces would be unable to win against the muggle firearms and within couple years Voldemort would loose the war of attrition. That is assuming Rovena sorted Riddle into Slytherin, if he was sorted into Ravenclaw the war would be avoided. So, can I sort those kids this time?"

"Fine."

"Helga?"

"OK."

"Salazar?"

"Lord Levicorpus gives his permission to this peasant to sort those children in Lord's Levicorpus name. Begone!"

"I take it as 'yes' Let's see then... dear Me... we are screwed."

"What? It can't be that bad."

"Just look yourself."

"Motherfucking shit."

"Helga!"

"What? I can curse, I just never do that... well, almost never."

"Any ideas?"

"Now you are asking us?"

"It was BEFORE I knew that we are literally screwed."

"I say we go for coup de grace."

"What do you mean Helga?"

"Well, we can't save the magical world so let's end it's suffering. Dump people where they will cause most damage rather than where they would improve things."

"I agree with Helga, but before we do that we should at least try."

"How Rovena?"

"Let's see where Potter boy wants to go. If he has traits for Slytherin we send him there and go for the improvement plan. If he lacks those traits or do not want to go to Slytherin we go with Coup de grace."

"Let's see then... he has the traits but doesn't want to go. Coup de grace?"

"Coup de grace."

"Coup de grace."

"Lord Levicorpus orders you to commit coup de grace!"

"So long and thanks for the fish."

**()()()**

During the sorting Harry was placed in Gryffindor with Hermione, Ron and Neville. He was unprepared to fight Voldemort and when the time came he went to his death only to somehow survive and win. It didn't change the final outcome, merely extended the agony for several decades. The Magical Britain ceased to exist before the end of the 21st century.


	4. I am out of here

As usual I still do not own Harry Potter.

()()()

Lord Voldermort looked at Lucius Malfoy as he was giving his presentation, fortunately Lucius was a wizard so the presentation of his evil plan to obtain the Prophecy didn't include Power Point slides. Voldemort thanked whoever made wizards so ignorant for this little favor. During his musings Lucius ended and now awaited for his answer. Voldemort changed his facial expression from 'I am listening #7' to 'Evil Dark Lord #2' and issued a standard response. If purebloods were a bit smarter they would notice that he reuses his three responses every time someone proposes a plan.

"That's a brilliant plan Lucius, those fools in the Ministry will never see it coming. Now leave me alone." A chorus of 'yes master' was heard and the Death Eaters have left his throne room.

Why did he even have one? Oh right, Lucius believed a proper Dark Lord has to have one... A standard well lit room with a large conference table and chairs around it would be more welcome, but such setup was too muggle so his minions would never used it. Maybe if he made a large wood table and traditional chairs and claim it's an old pureblood tradition? That would work, his supporters aren't the brightest people around.

Voldemort went through Lucius monologue, true he didn't listen to the blond man but Voldemort still heard what he said and thanks to Occlumency he had a perfect memory recollection. After going through the entire plan Voldemort face palmed. The plan was ridiculous. Spend a year to get a simple ball from the Departament of Mysteries. Voldemort could just walk inside using polijuice or not using anything at all, after all he had a body and face of his seventeen year old self. The ugly face he kept was used to avoid both male and female Death Eaters hitting on him. Refusing Lucius advances without hurting man's pride and feelings was the most difficult piece of diplomacy he ever did.

So why not just go in and take that damn Prophecy? While he could do anything he wanted to, being a Dark Lord has it's perks, he still had to take into account his minions. A Dark Lord without minions won't go to far and his minions were very touchy on the subject how a Dark Lords should behave. He literally couldn't throw out Lucius plan without loosing his support and money. At moments like this Voldemort wondered why did he even try to take over Magical Britain. The people who he will be ruling over were idiots. Draco considered himself to be a great mastermind and planner who believed that his plans should work because he was a pureblood. He believed he should get better grades because he was a pureblood, that he should win in that stupid game everyone played because he was a pureblood. He was wrong on all occasions. His plans were pitiful, his grades were abysmal and his skills in Quidthing were nonexistent. That was the person who will take Lucius place one day, Voldemort will be there to see that as he was immortal now.

Voldemort shuddered, such a future would be more a curse than a blessing.

"Screw this, I'm out of here."

When Lucius Malfoy returned the next day he had found an empty lair with a letter lying on the throne. The letter was a short one.

'_To person reading this letter_

_I Lord Voldemort aka You-Know-Who aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named aka Lord Thingy quit._

_Signed_

_Lord Voldemort_'

()()()

Surrey

()()()

'_Blood wards my ass_' muttered Tom Riddle as he went towards doors leading to Dursley's household. It was the third Dursley family he visited that day, Lucius spies managed to obtain that information after many unsuccessful tries. In other words, Draco overheard Potter when he spoke about his family...

The two previous Dursleys didn't have anything magical around their houses, he still spoke to them just in case but they never heard about one Harry Potter. Dursleys living on Privet Drive number four DID have wards around their home. Tom during his life as Lord Voldemort saw many wards, many weak and primitive wards. His own stronghold could withstand a magical assault for years, heck it could even survive mundane artillery barrage... for ten maybe fifteen minutes. While not very comforting it was still six to nine hundreds times better than Hogwarts wards which would fail after the very first shell hit them. Enough said that wards around Privet Drive Number Four wouldn't stop a determined Draco Malfoy... for more than a decade. Voldemorts ex-minions were really dumb.

He pushed the bell and awaited the response. After a minute a tall woman had opened the door.

"Yes?"

"Good morning ma'am. My name is Thomas Jones and I'm from Surrey Police Department." He waved his transfigured ID in front of her. "I am looking for one Harry James Potter."

"That freak, what did he do this time?"

"Does Harry Potter live here?"

"Yes, he is out. Probably committing more crimes, I just hope he doesn't corrupt our poor soon Dudley."

"Ma'am, as far as I know Mister Potter has never committed any crimes. My department was asked by the Scotland Yard to question him as a witness. Could you tell me where I can find him?"

"He probably went to the park."

Tom asked for the directions and once again assured the woman that Harry didn't commit any crimes.

When he arrived at park Tom saw Harry sitting on a bench, the boy didn't look around so Tom decided to have some fun and sat right next to him.

"You look sad kid, something bad happened?" Tom casually asked Harry.

"No it's..." At that moment Harry looked up and saw a seventeen year old Tom Riddle sitting next to him. Tom had to give a credit where is due, Harry's reflexes were astonishing, the moment he saw Tom's face Harry drew a wand and jumped back several meters keeping his wand pointed at Tom. "Voldemort." He almost hissed that name.

"No, not any longer." Tom calmly answered.

"You come here to... wait what? What do you mean not any longer?"

"I have quit Mister Potter. Many people would consider you to be my nemesis, given how many times you have foiled my plots I would have to agree with them. So I have came here to inform you, my nemesis, that I quit."

"You quit. Just like that?"

"Yes, just like that. There are no forms to fill when you quit being a Dark Lord, no higher authority or government to inform." Tom shrugged.

"Then why are you doing this? Why tell me that you quit?"

"A common courtesy?"

"And you just quit. No more killings, no more evil plots to take over the world?" Harry wasn't convinced."why would you do that?"

"Let's go with your leader's primary line 'I have seen the error of my ways and decided to repent'." Tom said mockingly. "It has worked for Snape so why nor for me?"

"You do not wish to repent, do you?"

"No, I do not think I do want to, but neither did Snape and it didn't stop Dumbledore from giving him a second chance and a nice job teaching children."

"You have killed my parents. Do you expect me to forget that?"

"Of course not, I am not going to argue that what I did was right or that I was justified to do so. I am also not going blame Dumbledore or Snape who made the attack on your parents possible. I am merely going to point out that you are one of the 'good guys' and so no killing, no revenge and no common sense. Forget the last one. Oh, and you are also underage so if you cast any spells at me the Ministry WILL expel you and bind your magic, which is an euphemism for snapping your wand but hey, it sounds cool."

"That... crap, you are right. Even if I somehow managed to defeat you nobody would believe that you are Voldemort and I would be expelled."

They sat in silence for a while.

"So... what about killing all muggleborns and muggles? Are you going to quit that too?"

"Why would I kill them? I have nothing against them, I created the whole 'muggleborns are evil' theme to gather supporters so I could take over the world."

Harry was speechless.

"It's politics. Dumbledore had his power base centered around Light families and muggleborns, taking it from him was close to impossible as those people worshiped the ground he stepped on so I had to find someone else. The Dark families had almost nothing common among them and fought amongst each other more often than not. I will spare you the details but uniting them under a single banner wasn't easy."

"So why did you quit?" Asked Harry.

"I told you, I saw the error of my ways. That part was true." Harry remained silent so Tom continued. "Do you know Draco Malfoy, Mister Potter?" Harry nodded. "Does he act like a 'cunning Slytherin' or more like a spoiled brat?"

"Spoiled brat... wait, you want to tell me it's not an elaborate rouse?"

"Nope, young Mister Malfoy is a spoiled brat. And now imagine that he would be my 'right hand' in about twenty to thirty years... His father is bad, the son?" Tom shocked his head.

"Serves you right, I guess..."

"Yes, yes. Laugh as much as you want. I should have tried to undermine Dumbledore and gather all muggleborns under my banner. With people like your mother or Miss Granger taking over the world would be easy." Said Tom.

"So... what are you going to do now?"

"I think I will go to some tropical island with a nice vacation resort and help poor young maidens in putting a lotion on their backs..."

"That is supposed to be a way to repent for your sins?"

"No, Mister Potter. That is supposed to be fun. I was never serious about the whole repentance thing, very few people are yet for some reason all Light Wizards still fall for that."

"Damn, can I switch to being a Dark Wizard? I would be able to kill you without having to worry about all that stuff."

"Really? I just announced that you can live your life in peace and you want to kill me for that? What kind of gratitude this is?"

"Well... without you my life kind of sucks. I will graduate Hogwarts, marry some witch from a Light family because people expect me to do that, become an Auror for the same reason and have a boring life with a girl I do not love, a job I do not like in a world I hate. Having to fight you would solve those problems, I could fake a heroic sacrifice to save some nameless people who would still die a week later and live in peace. Can't do that without a Dark Lord to fight against." Harry shrugged.

"I am speechless, Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Wizarding savior, defeater of Lord Voldemort wants to escape? Why are you not trying to do anything?"

"Let's see... Dumbledore keeps me from contacting anyone for his nefarious reasons, Gringotts sells their services to those who pay the most and that's not me, the Ministry is corrupt and even worse than Dumbledore and I am to cynical to believe in the stellar incorruptible reputation of Amelia Bones and DMLE. My second year thought me to not believe in what people say while the third taught me that people do not care about injustice. All I got left is going along with whatever plan Dumbledore made up and hoping I will either survive it or manage to leave without anyone noticing or wanting to come after me."

Tom considered that for a while.

"Mister Potter, would you like to become a Dark Lord? There is an opening in that position." Tom said with a serious tone.

"A Dark Lord? Me? Are you insane? Dumbledore would 'vanquish' me faster that you can say 'Avada Kedavra', or Fudge would throw me into Azkaban just for laugh. Not to mention your ex-minions, they would be a bit annoyed that someone else took your job."

"Ah... you see, the plan while insane has it's merits. All you have to do is..."

**()()()**

**Omake 1**

**()()()**

I never said I..." A sudden aura of darkness has interrupted him. "Dementors. Do not cast anything, I will deal with them."

Harry looked around to see two dark floating creatures incoming. He felt the cold they emanated and was going to cast his partonus if it wasn't for Tom's spells.

"Expecto Opugnarium. Expecto Opugnarium." Instead of a mist or an animal two glowing swords flew from Tom's wand and hit both Dementors in their chests. The creatures continued their approach but then harry noticed that there is dust falling down from their capes, after a couple seconds all that was left from the Dementors were their black capes and a two small piles of dust.

"thank you for saving my life, now I will get expelled for casting some weird patronus and destroying two Dementors."

"Don't be ridiculous Mister Potter, my wand is untraceable. No one in the Ministry will know what happened here, not unless you tell them of course."

**()()()**

**Omake 2**

**()()()**

"Fine. By the way, why did you quit?"

"From the last four years I have spent two of them personally at Hogwarts and for two more my loyal ex-minions have provided me with all the information I needed. This knowledge allowed me to make several interesting observations."

"Like what?"

"Well, the first DADA lesson where I taught your friend Miss Granger and Draco Malfoy. Rather than a proud pureblood heir I saw an idiot. This was supposed to be my future right hand? I knew Draco's grand and great grandfather and if they saw how their heir acts they would disown him faster than you can say 'you are a pathetic wanker'. Other children from families of my supporters weren't much better. To put it simply - I have quit because I do not want to deal with idiots."

"Poor Draco, when he hears that his idol abandoned him his all dreams will be shattered." Harry almost laughed. "What about me? What I am supposed to do now?"

"I don't know. Become a Dark Lord and conquer the Britain? There is an opening for that position."

"Right, all hail Dark Lord uhm... do I have to create an anagram of my name?"

"No, I did that because it sounded cool. Feel free to use anything you want, but check earlier if the name wasn't used already. There was over twenty Dark Lord in Britain that I know about."

"All hail Dark Lord Dreadnaughtius the Nice!" Both males laughed at that. "Well, it would be an interesting thing to do, my own harem, not having to deal with Dursleys, being able to curse Malfoy whenever I want and... having to fight for my life against magical army and Dumbledore. I wouldn't last a week."

"Hmm... with your Miss Granger help you could actually win." Said Tom while thinking about something.

"Sure I would, Dumbledore would defeat me the moment I declared myself a Dark Lord."

"No... he could not do that, as a Headmaster he cannot challenge or attack his students as long as they do not endanger other people or break any rules. Being a Dark Lord in not against Hogwarts rules. Also there is no magical army and the Ministry would not be able to arrest you as being a Dark Lord is not illegal by itself, it's the things many Dark Lords do that are illegal."


End file.
